It's All About Control -- and I've Got NONE of It!

I've had it.  I really have.

I am 44 years old, and my body is falling apart...

I was diagnosed with this stupid disease about 8 years ago.  And I've had plenty of ups and downs, including not keeping up on this particular blog.

I've gone through a number of medications, and have now had some success on this current iteration.

My diet was going fine at the initial diagnosis, but over the years, I've fallen into old habits.

I've a sweet tooth to rival anyone else on earth, and this desire MUST BE QUENCHED.

Fine.  I've made it through with some high sugars -- no side effects from the myriad of drugs to control all of this stupid diseases issues.  And my sugar levels have basically stabilized to a decent level.

To prepare for a screen role, I started working out fairly religiously in June of 2018.  I was doing some exercise about 6 days a week.  Once I shot the film, that decreased of course -- but I was still on that particular wagon.

Late fall of 2018 -- I got a weird infection in my right hand pinky.  Thought it came about from an overly-trimmed nail, followed by some deep cleaning of the house.  Something bad got in there and set up house.  Antibiotics later and some painful squeezing by my doctor -- "You gotta get it out!" and the infection was evicted.

I had a weird little thing in my nose around the same time -- some sort of minor infection -- and my nose swelled up.  That went away on its own.

I was very open about the next thing -- come late November of 2018.  I had a little cold sore on the bottom of my lip -- something I've gotten every couple of years (somewhere on my mouth) for several decades.  No problem.  I put on some Campho-phenique (sp?) and it's gone in a few days.

But not this time.  It turned into a full on infection (while I was on a road trip in Arizona).  Long story short, when I arrived back in LA, my doctor took me straight to Emergency and I was then admitted.  My lip was so swollen and infected, they had to cut it open on the inside and drain it.  I was also put on a massive cocktail of IV-antibiotics.

To this day, I have scar tissue on the inside of my bottom lip.  Will it ever completely go away?  Who knows, but there is a lump inside of there which my tongue never stops messing with...

After one night in the hospital and then two weeks or so of oral antibiotics (as well as that initial PAINFUL draining of the pus) -- the lip healed and yay!  -- and things were headed back to normal.  Of course, with the use of the "horse-pill" antibiotics, I dealt with what must have been minor kidney stones.  I'd never experienced them before, but based on the pain in that zone, and (one time) some dark urine -- it was clear that this was the problem.  It all went away once the drugs ran their course.

I was then put on antiviral meds -- to basically keep the herpes in my lips at bay.  Gross... but it's the truth.

A few weeks after all of this I began to get weird "zits" under my right armpit.  One of them got infected and turned into an honest-to-goodness abscess.  Again, gross -- but it's the truth.  I was putting tea-tree oil on it, lightly trying to drain it and doing warm compresses.  Finally went back to the doctor (this was early 2019) and more antibiotics.  What the fuck are these things?  They're only under one armpit.

Fine.  Antibiotics did the trick.  Another painful SQUEEZING by the doctor and there's now a scar under my pit for that one.  Several of these little boils (or whatever the fuck you wanna call them) at different areas of "poppability" gone.

A couple of weeks following the clearing of the boils/zits/annoyances, they returned.  I had also taken doctor's advice to wash my pits with a special (READ: EXPENSIVE) over-the-counter soap -- basically the soap surgeons use to prep for surgery.  At the same time as the return of the zit/boil/annoyances -- under only my right pit -- nothing under the left -- I had a terrible case of dry skin on my face... around my ears, around my eyes, so much so that I aged in my eye region by 30 years or so.  My skin was soooo taught, it was actually cracking.  Only on my face.  Went back to using Dove to cleanse myself and used a prescription shampoo, which I was told to use not only on my scalp, but around my beard region.  Apparently I had an allergic reaction and discontinued use.  I was using plain old moisturizing lotion on my face and it was BURNING.

A bit of a side-note -- I've been to the doctor so many times over the past many months, I'm unsure of what happened at what visit -- but I digress.

On top of all of this, I had a rash on the tip of my dick.  Concern over some of my diabetes drugs -- 1 in I-don't-know-how-many-people apparently have a reaction to this drug, and basically their ball-sack can rot away.  Great.  That's now cleared up.

While on a recent vacation -- I was dealing with the armpit boils -- doing the compresses, lightly draining (this is a gnarly process) and washing with the EXPENSIVE soap.

At the tail-end of the recent trip, I got a cold.  The right armpit boils are on their way out.  Face is still dry as fuck -- no matter how much I moisturize. 

Note:  The armpit boils seem to be showing up elsewhere... in normal zit places.  Like ingrown arm hairs, I've had a few too many zits there.  They don't get infected and go away.  Then I got a massive boil/zit on my nose.  It was all swollen, but now on its way out.

Cold is gone, but now I have what I would guess is cellulitis in my right cheek.  I've an appointment already in place with my dermatologist -- in three days -- to address the dry as fuck face, but now I'll have to address the nose zit and swollen cheek issue... that is, if I'm not dead first.  Per online paranoia, cellulitis (if that's what it is) can become dangerous.  I'm reminded of the doctors telling me that the lip situation was on the verge of turning into blood poisoning, and that my timing of coming in was right on the nose.  Jesus.  Is that what I'm dealing with here?  Fuck this disease.

Of course, diabetes is well known to have a dire effect on your immune system... and so it seems clear that this is the bullshit at play now.

The point of this long diatribe?  I've gotta make changes.  I'm fucking 44 years old and my body is falling apart.  I've got this disease on both sides of my family -- so basically, I'm fucked no matter what I do.  But I've gotta do something to ward off these latest symptoms. 

Can my body get back to normal, if I FINALLY make the necessary changes to my diet?  I've gotta keep up on the exercise of course, but that's only half of it.

And what the fuck help is it that Randy's Donuts opened a location A HALF A BLOCK AWAY. 

But I can't pursue acting gigs, knowing that at any moment, my face might explode with zits, or that it'll look like I was punched in the face by Mike Tyson. 

I'm through feeling like crap and worrying about what's coming next, or if the pus in my armpits will make a grand return and leak all over my t-shirts.

I hate how poorly the human body is designed.  It's a cluster-fuck. 

So I'm reexamining my diet and my choices.  I made exercise a part of my schedule and part of my habits, so why can't I do that with diet?

But dammit -- this sucks.  I LOVE FOOD. I LOVE SWEETS.  I LOVE EATING.

So -- let's see how this goes.  Even if these flare-ups of skin issues are only partially related to my diabetes -- I still have to make these changes. 

And who am I kidding?  OF COURSE they're because of my diabetes.  What a stupid disease.

I have no control.  But I need to get control, or I'm dead.

That is all.

Cheat of Epic Proportions and the Resulting Vertigo

It's been a LONG time since I posted on this blog.  It's been about 3 1/2 years since I was diagnosed with "the diabeetus".  Life's gone on.  I've cheated.  I've been good.  I've learned and I've re-learned.

Goodness knows that I have been far from perfect when watching my diet.  I take my meds religiously, but never consciously tell myself that a cheat of some sugar-coated poison will be okay cuz I'm taking my Metformin.

It's been tough to adjust to new things, and much like my continuous bout with fingernail-chewing, it will never, ever be over.  I've chewed and eaten my fingernails since birth -- possibly in the womb, because it's always been a habit.  Somewhere in the early 00s, I made a very concerted effort to stop, and I actually did for about a year.  I was impressed with this strength.  I didn't have constant, bloody hangnails and wasn't ashamed to show off my hands (could I have been a hand model, not on your life), but eventually, I fell off the wagon.  It's one of those things that will be with me until I'm buried six feet under, awaiting the go-ahead to rise up as a zombie.  And when I claw my way through the dirt, grasping for the above-ground, despite the fact that my fingers and nails will be caked with dirt, worm-shit and rot -- I'll immediately put those digits into my mouth and start chewing.

And once that nail-chewing is done, I'll start searching for warm flesh -- all the while with a 100 Grand fun-sized candy bar hanging from my droopy lips.

Nail biting and candy-eating will never be completely out of my life (or after-life).

Much like my cold turkey quitting of nail-chewing and the inevitable fall from grace, the eating habits I have had all my life, were only changed for the moment when I was diagnosed with diabetes.

I've fallen off the wagon big time, and never so much in the past 3 1/2 years as what I've experienced in the last 48 hours.

Get the technical out of the way.  A normal blood sugar should be in the low 100's.  When I was given the diagnosis and then hospitalized, my sugar was a whopping 437.  Basically, they HAD to admit me for observation, cuz numbers like that can be life-threatening.

Last night, I checked my sugar number, something I've neglected to do regularly over the past 1 1/2 years (and that may be conservative).  I'm currently uninsured. I can afford my generic meds, but the equipment for blood sugar testing is expensive.  And I figured I had a pretty firm grasp on what not to and what was okay to eat.

Yeah, right.

331.  That's the # I found last night on the glucose meter.

You wanna know why?  I figured I'd better test, cuz 3/4 of the way through my shift yesterday, I started to have what can only be described as a relatively subtle form of vertigo (which is hitting me with another wave right now as I type).  I finished my shift, drove home and went to bed early last night, in the belief that I would get up at 4am to make it to my 7am shift.

But the vertigo was still there when I got up.  It's like little bitty tremors in my head, which goes from side to side.  And I can feel my eyes occasionally shudder.

Of course it has to do with my sugar levels.  Since I haven't been properly monitoring the levels for some time, I can't say with any certainty.  But I would venture to say that the 331 is probably the highest it's been since that fateful day 3 1/2 years ago.

In the past, when I know that I've cheated, I've felt it later.  Some sort of fatigue, perhaps a little malaise.  But always something I stupidly accepted and pushed through.  If I got the joy of a chocolate chip muffin from The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, I could handle the slight fallout of this cheat.  Should I be rationalizing?  No.

But over the past 48 hours, I've ingested so much crap.  Even more crap than I've allowed to filter its way back into our cupboards and our fridge.  Slowly over these past few years, sugary cereals and salty snacks and honest-to-God candy bars have worked their way back into my every day.  And it's been slow.  7 grams of sugar.  That's acceptable.  9 grams?  That's not much more than 7 grams.  So that's okay.  And now I'm full-blown eating whatever the hell I want, whenever I want.  To say I've fallen from the wagon is too kind.  I jumped from the wagon, did three cartwheels and boarded a fast-moving train to get as far away from the wagon as I could.

I called out from work today, cuz I am having vertigo.  Cuz I ingested too much sugar. I found that place where I have gone too far.

I don't want to overstate it by calling it a "come-to-Jesus" moment, but when the fuck am I gonna learn?

Just like the nail-chewing, I've got to keep it in check.  Done in moderation.  Cuz there's just no way, after decades of eating the way I do, that I can just stop it all together.  But I need to see the bigger picture.

I've got lots of shit to do before I'm dead, so getting to the grave faster (as much as I'd like to come back as a brain-hungry zombie) won't serve my needs.

It's time to take another look at diet and exercise and get some shit in order.

And btw, do you want to know what level of crap I ingested over the past 48 hours?

Sunday night:  A box of Milk Duds.  And I ain't talking a fun pack.  A full on box.

Monday morning:  Two bowls of Lucky fucking Charms.

Once at work Monday morning, a candy bar.

Lunch time Monday:  Soup and chips and FOUR bite-sized Milky Ways (that's what put me over the edge no doubt).

Dinner time Monday night:  PB & J sammich and chips.  Then some "sugar-free" chocolate wafers.

Somewhere past lunchtime (the Milky Ways) I started to feel the vertigo.  Tried to ignore it, didn't tell the husband about it that night.  Went to bed hoping it would be gone by morning.  Still here.

So I called out from work.  Lifting and moving furniture when you're a bit off balance -- probably not a wise move.

I hate being so stupid.  I hate being so weak.  I know that this crap makes me feel shitty.  And now, ultra-shitty.  Makes no common sense, and yet here I am.  Feeling awful cuz I made ridiculous diet choices.

The thing is, I like fruits and veggies and I like proteins.  Just need to re-evaluate, step up to the plate and make better decisions.

I've got a to-do list a mile long, and I can't complete it if I'm in an early grave.

Nail-chewing?  I'll allow it.  Sugar gorging?  It needs to stop.

Stupid diabetes.

Day Two

Took a hike up Runyon way.  Planned to do some pushups & situps upon our return home.  Not so much.  The hike took it out of me.  Perhaps it was the haze/humidity that made it tougher, but MAN...I'm pooped, and I have to head to work shortly for a full shift.

Measured out two cups of cereal for breakfast and a nanner.  Arrived home for a string cheese and another banana.

We'll see how the workout in the morning pairs up w/ a full workday.

The Great Sweet Cutout of 2011 continues...into 2012 and beyond.

"Before" Pics

I just made this wacky plan for real.

Why else would I be posting such photos?  For your pleasure?  I think not!

Let's see what happens, shall we?

351...Shameful

Falling off the wagon is never a good thing.

I’ve not posted to this blog in about a year.  It was all very gung-ho when I was first diagnosed w/ “the sugar”, and certainly some changes have been made.  However, not nearly enough.

My latest wake-up call (I love the fact that I’m such a monumental hypocrite on this—my mother’s a prime example, so many health issues and so many chances to clean up her act, and she hasn’t taken them—at least the majority of them) came ringing loud and clear today @ lunch. 

I don’t test my sugars often, frankly because the testing kits are spendy.  I’m supposed to test 4 times a day (at least per my doc’s instructions from last year—my doc has since retired and I saw a new guy a couple of weeks ago).  So basically I’ve been testing once a day.  Over the past several months, my sugars have stayed in the mid 100’s, which I know is not awesome but not horrific (right?).  I’m as low as 110 on some days and as high as 199 on others.

I’m sure you can guess what my # was today when I tested at lunch.  Check the title again.

Frightening.  Shameful.  Unneccesary.  Ridiculous.  Dangerous.

Keep  in mind that I was admitted to the hospital last year w/ “uncontrolled diabetes”…that # was 437.  Not far from where I am/was today.

Where did this # come from?  Well, we had our mini-vacation, and an entire wheelbarrow (that’s a reference to FAMILY GUY for those who might not catch that) of free food @ our disposal.  Out of the many meals we consumed @ Harrah’s, there were two buffets.  My justification for eating so much and so much bad stuff, was that it was my birthday week, my vacation, and it was free. On top of that, we had NO exercise.  I wanted sloth for the week and that’s what I got.  And that ridiculous # is my payoff.

Well, this wild and wacky # today, paired up w/ some other recent thinking, my new headshots, as well as some motivation from friends (Jeff Brown, I’m looking @ you—you’re amazing!) have led me to a decision.  I truly hope I can do this.  I want to do this.  I NEED to do this.

I’m embarking on a new fitness and nutritional plan.  I’m afraid.  Of failure.  Of my age.  Of my overall health.  Of…who the hell knows what else I’m afraid of.  Everything, and it’s all bullshit.

I’m a couch potato.  I eat from boredom, or while watching the tube.  It’s a necessity (even though I know it’s not).  I sleep too much.  I don’t exercise enough.  My only form of exercise is walking, the VERY occasional hike and my 8 hours of work—5 days a week.  But it’s not enough.  God knows I could probably drop some pounds and help myself by simply eating better.  But that’s not enough.

Soooo...I’ve had such thoughts before, but since my new headshots have found the light of day, these long dormant (and frankly embarrassing) thoughts have resurfaced.

I first want to say that my self-esteem levels have always been (and currently are) @ ridiculous lows.  I wouldn’t be surprised if I were diagnosed as having depression.  I just haven’t taken it upon myself to go out and learn that thrilling (debilitating) news.  Eventually.  Perhaps my new exercise program and the endorphins that will no doubt be released, will help in that regard.  Anyway,  I don’t find myself physically attractive.  While I’m not putting this out there to garner compliments, I will accept them (begrudgingly and conditionally).  I have moments where I believe I look handsome in person.  But it’s my photographs which I tend to favor.  I photograph quite well.  Generally I would say I look best when “in character” for publicity or archives shots from past shows.  If it’s not me, then I look fabulous.

But these new headshots got me to thinking (again) that I would like to try modeling.  Now, before the obligatory and uncontrollable bursts of laughter and guffaws commence, let me explain my position here.

I constantly think about Adrien Brody (not in that way).  He’s got a face only a mother could love (I don’t mean that so harshly, but he’s not classically handsome), but have you seen the man’s body?  He’s fat-free, ripped and let’s face it, kinda hot.  On top of that, he’s a great actor (it only adds to his appeal).

Also, since about 2004, when the other half and I contemplated joining a gym in Chicago (a couple of years later would see our fattest/laziest/unhealthiest nastiness), I have had this modeling idea floating around in the back of my head.  Of course, to pursue something like this, would require some serious changes to my fitness regiment (or lack thereof) and my sad, sad diet. 

Fast forward to last year and my diagnosis of “uncontrolled diabetes”…and then several months ago saw my college chum Jeff, embarking on an amazing weight loss/healthy update to his life, even running marathons and the like.  Jesus.  It was inspirational, and it wasn’t until recently I realized how much I appreciate his efforts.  Very proud of him.

So, the new headshots and the fact that I look fantastic (and all of the nice compliments were handy too!).  There, that’s the moment I’ll allow myself to enjoy and compliment my own person.  Ick.

So.  I’m going to continue to post blogs here on this “Great Sweet Cutout of 2011” (well, now 2012) and see what happens.

Today (I started writing this one yesterday), I’ve already worked out w/ the 90 day Beach Body DVD which the other half and I saw success with many years ago.  I also had only ONE bowl of cereal for breakfast (rather than the usual two).  Now we’re off for a walk to meet a friend for lunch.  I’m even ready to change up my usual fare @ Denny’s.  Small steps, folks.

I feel like I’m serious about this thing.  Since I can never stick to ANYTHING, that feels kind of good.

More to come as the Great Sweet Cut-out of 2011 continues…into 2012 and beyond.

and the cheat goes on Part 2

So.

It's been the obligatory 2+ hours since my last meal ended. Thus, I have checked my sugar levels.

Frankly, I haven't felt all that hot since I ingested the forbidden half a milkshake. Nothing monumental. No vomiting, shaking, comas or 911 calls. Just a little head-achey and some general malaise.

Sugar levels?

Not since my first week of diagnosis have I seen such a high number.

Let's just say, lesson learned. I guess I still have to test certain foods to see if they truly are completely out of my league. I'm assuming this half a milkshake was far worse than my earlier cheat (a month and half ago) of a banana tempura ice cream concoction, only cuz it was liquid-y, so perhaps more quickly/easily dispersed throughout my body?

209.

Yup, 209.

It's a big goddamned number, and I'm none to happy about it.

Momma said there'd be days like this...there'd be days like this, my momma said.

And the GREAT SWEET CUT-OUT OF 2011 continues (for real this time). Ahem.

and the cheat goes on...

You'll recall that my last big (as in SUPER BIG) cheat was a banana-tempura ice cream desert @ our favorite sushi place...about a month 1/2 ago. Well, the other half and I went to Johnny Rocket's for some grub this evening. So on top of some onion rings, fries and a chicken club sandwich (on rye--so there was that conservative aspect), we split a vanilla shake. Nothing monumental, but in the scheme of things that have been regularly avoided over the past many months, that was no small cheat.

I'm waiting until 8pm to test my sugars, and see what it really, truly did to my body.

I will say this...in the words of Ned Flanders, it was "scrum-diddly-umptious." Was that deliciousness worth a trip to the ER? Probably not, but so far, I'm feelin' just fine.

I doubt it'll reach such levels. The banana desert thing barely registered.

So, with guilt levels marked @ around 6-7 (highest being 10) I think I'm gonna be okay.

You may carry on w/ your regularly scheduled activities.

For now, the GREAT SWEET CUT-OUT OF 2011 continues (well, sorta)...