The Scarlet Letter "C"

for "cheat"

Okay, the title may be a TAD melodramatic...

It's been just over a month and a half since I became buddies w/ good ol' family friend Betty. I think I've done quite well on my new diet...my #s have certainly supported that. I've leveled for the most part, in the 100-130 range (a far cry from the staggering #s the day of the diagnosis, and the figures from days immediately following it). But today, I had my first big "cheat" and the #s reflect that. I feel pretty bad.

I had my first minor cheat a couple of weeks ago. The other half and I went to a local casino for some bingo fun (yes, we're 80 year old women apparently). They have a snack shop w/in the bingo hall, and I decided to splurge and get a bacon cheeseburger; w/ bun. Now, I did opt for the veggies side dish, foregoing the obligatory french fries (they were the big, hearty steak fries I might add--not an easy thing to resist). It was all good, and my #s were barely effected. Truthfully. Well, later in the evening, after some fun slot play, we decided to attend the evening bingo session...last minute. The session began @ 7pm, and we got our cards @ about 6:50pm. Needless to say, we didn't have time to run to the snack bar, and the #s were being called on the first game (crazy how fast they call out the #s--especially to us newbies), so we just quickly ordered a meal (it was past my regular meal time, so I was getting a big un-focused and shaky)...and since we had no menus, we ordered the same things we had had for lunch earlier...bacon cheeseburgers. However, I went for the delish steak fries instead of the mixed veggies. So, it was a cheat as far as I was concerned, but again (even after TWO "bad" meals) my #s didn't really change much. So it was a cheat, but not a hair-raising, sugar-topping off, wacky "I'm hittin' the emergency room" situation. So I quickly forgave myself and enjoyed the steak fries. (Lots o' carbs).

Today was a new story. Today is the day that will forever mark my relationship w/ Betty as "tainted". It was a big cheat. A monumental cheat. But dammit, IT WAS GOOD.

We hit a sushi place near our beloved Target (we walked the mile to get there). Had some tempura calamari, a California roll, a cucumber roll and a Philadelphia roll. Not anything to really be concerned over. But then they brought the desert menu. Now, truth be told, my deserts of the past weeks have consisted of sugar-free Jello's, no sugar added puddings, bananas, apples, and the occasional smoothie from Cold Stone (I tried their no-sugar ice cream--bleccch!). None of this amounted to more than a couple of up-clicks on the ol' sugar meter.

But the desert menu @ the sushi place...it had a banana tempura w/ a scoop of vanilla ice cream. I found myself salivating over the photo, so I said "f*** it" and threw caution (and my tester) to the wind. I ordered it. I don't know if it was actually the BEST desert I ever had, or if I had just been so deprived (not that I'm FEELING deprived--truthfully) that it was monumentally good and ultimately memorable. I ate the whole damn thing. All of it. In the words of Ned Flanders, it was "scrumb-diddly-umptios."

But it's been 7 hours, and I am feeling a little buyer's remorse (for lack of a better word). I checked my #s @ dinner time (about 6pm), and they were pretty high...about 155. Not horrendous by any means, but definitely elevated. I really wasn't too concerned, and didn't get down on myself. Not a death sentence. But I just checked my #s before my bedtime snack. (BTW, dinner was a couple of sandwiches on whole wheat w/ some pickles--followed by a couple of handfuls of dry corn-bran cereal for desert). I don't know if it was just some crazy compounding, mathematical situation which my sugars were taking part in, but I was seeing 174 on my meter. Kind of a downer.

I'm trying to keep my guilt to a reasonable level...and to reserve final judgment once I see my #s in the morning before breakfast. If they've returned to "normal" levels, then I will breathe a sigh of relief, pop my pills and promise to never cheat again (until we return to the sushi place again--perhaps that will be my one and only cheat--return to Crazy Rock'n Sushi once a month for my cheat desert!) A tradition in uncontrolled sugar intake!

Well, that's my update about close friend Betty. She doesn't like it when I cheat, but I'm only human. I think writing this all out has made me feel better about the terrible sin committed here today.

Oh, BTW, we DID walk home from the place (and it's uphill on the way back) so we got to walk off a bit of the cheat.

For now, the GREAT SWEET CUT-OUT continues... (well, w/ a short breather today...)

What's all this then?

Still having strange feelings surrounding my recent diagnosis.

1) I have a feeling that most people are sick and tired of hearing about it, but honestly, it's about the only thing occupying my mind right now...so sorry.

2) I tried to explain this to the other half, but I'm not quite sure I understand it myself. This overwhelming feeling of "I can no longer enjoy anything (not just food) fully." Not my surroundings, my work, my job, my LIFE. There's something more there, but I can't quite place my finger on it. I either CAN'T enjoy things, or I won't ALLOW myself to enjoy things. It's a weird, weird place to be. And it doesn't help that these sensations/feelings/moods are so VAGUE.

I guess it's a feeling of being DISABLED. Is that it? Am I just expecting to feel disabled, so that's keeping me from going on as I had before? What is it? So very frustrating...

The GREAT SWEET CUT-OUT OF 2011 continues...

The Ironing is Delicious...

It's not lost on me that I've been diagnosed w/ Type 2 diabetes around this time of year. It had to be this or Halloween (another candy-heavy holiday) in order to really hit home and challenge me.

Easter. Lots of my friends (or my "peeps" if you will) know that I am a recovering Peep-aholic. There was an Easter season when I was popping those little balls of goo like they were pills (is that the right analogy, or is it the other way around? Hmmm). Must have been my junior year in college (about 5 years ago, ahem). Everyone I knew found out that I had a thing for peeps, so I began receiving them in the large economy barrel size...daily. On top of that, my mother sent her usual Easter basket of goodies, which always included a hefty helping of the little yellow bastards (and just so you know my preference--I always gravitated to the yellow birds. Bunnies and other colors BE DAMNED!)

We were out shopping @ Target today, where I picked up some almonds and rice-cakes, and checked prices on One Touch products.

Every corner of Target was Easter-tastic. Which means that the chocolate marshmallow bunnies (another weakness) Peeps and other coma-inducing baddies were around ever corner. Taunting me. Obviously we made it out okay, no stowaway Peeps, but things were about to get even more terrible.

@ our local grocer, Fresh and Easy, they have a lovely section of dated items...stuff that just passed their expiration date. Clearance. We sometimes find some real gems, and other times, you'd best not waste your time.

One item we see regularly is day old apple pies. Not that I hate apple pie, but it's never my first choice @ a Baker's Square or the like. So I never get them; even though I love a good deal.

In all of our three years shopping @ this location, I've never seen this next item in their clearance section.

A banana-effing-cream pie. I adore banana-effing-cream pie...A LOT. Well, today there was one there...staring at me, laughing at me...fluttering it's creamy, delicious eyelids--flat out FLIRTING with me.

"To hell", I said.

And it turned its attentions elsewhere.

Control.

So, Peeps (and banana-effing-cream pies) are certainly off the list. No need to research those. I'll miss the little buggers, but I guess a longer lifespan filled with waking moments, not death by sugar--preceded by fatigue and stomach pain...is worth the sacrifice.

The GREAT SWEET CUT-OUT continues...

Words to live by, apparently...

As I begin my research in how to stay alive (doesn't that sound SOOO uber-dramatic--but I guess it's true!), I am reading up on stuff @ the American Diabetes Association. These words stood out immediately.

"Avoiding extremes is key to managing your diabetes."

Per my previous post, my binging and mega-portions in all eating situations certainly fall under the category of "extremes".

Here we go.

I'm SHOCKED! Okay, not really...

Seems like only yesterday. Wait, it was ALMOST yesterday. 2 days ago. I went in for a physical...checking weight, height, my trick knee, that lump on my foot, etc. And of course, the obligatory blood work.

Diabetes runs rampant in my family...from both sides. I've never had a good diet. Sugar (specifically chocolate--specifically moist, delicious baked goods, i.e cupcakes, cake, pastries) is my weak spot. I can't get enough of it.

On top of the horrible things I eat, we have the problem (and it's generally a BIG problem) of portion control. I eat until it effects my breathing. I eat until I feel ill. I eat until I pass out. Okay, it's never been quite that bad...but bad is bad, after all.

Also, I eat QUICKLY. My brain never has enough time to process the food intake, until it's too late. By then, I'm left feeling bloated, guilty and stupid.

Suffice to say...I don't exercise, I don't eat well and my genes are never going to provide me with a road map to health.

The doctor checked everything out, sent me to the lab and took his next patient. An immediate result from the blood work? Blood sugars @ 437. What the hell does that mean? Well, I knew it wasn't good when the lab tech pulled the doctor from his current patient to come talk to me. They took a look @ the blood monitor and then walked on over.

"437."
"So, what's normal?"
"Around 100. We're sending you to urgent care."

This was Friday, March 11th, 2011.

Thus begins my journey to a healthier me. Should have done it a long time ago, but there is no room for regrets. Well, there could be room, now that the sugars will take up less room in my body.

Not that I'm necessarily scared or apprehensive...not to any SCARY degree. I know it'll take a lot of work, but I'm up for the challenge. I still have plenty of shit to accomplish in my life and I haven't got time for adt'l nonsense. The goal is to learn my new processes and eating habits as quickly as possible, so that I don't even have to think twice.

So won't you come along with me, as I learn to live w/ this diabetic monster?

Join me for THE GREAT SWEET CUT-OUT OF 2011!