351...Shameful

Falling off the wagon is never a good thing.

I’ve not posted to this blog in about a year.  It was all very gung-ho when I was first diagnosed w/ “the sugar”, and certainly some changes have been made.  However, not nearly enough.

My latest wake-up call (I love the fact that I’m such a monumental hypocrite on this—my mother’s a prime example, so many health issues and so many chances to clean up her act, and she hasn’t taken them—at least the majority of them) came ringing loud and clear today @ lunch. 

I don’t test my sugars often, frankly because the testing kits are spendy.  I’m supposed to test 4 times a day (at least per my doc’s instructions from last year—my doc has since retired and I saw a new guy a couple of weeks ago).  So basically I’ve been testing once a day.  Over the past several months, my sugars have stayed in the mid 100’s, which I know is not awesome but not horrific (right?).  I’m as low as 110 on some days and as high as 199 on others.

I’m sure you can guess what my # was today when I tested at lunch.  Check the title again.

Frightening.  Shameful.  Unneccesary.  Ridiculous.  Dangerous.

Keep  in mind that I was admitted to the hospital last year w/ “uncontrolled diabetes”…that # was 437.  Not far from where I am/was today.

Where did this # come from?  Well, we had our mini-vacation, and an entire wheelbarrow (that’s a reference to FAMILY GUY for those who might not catch that) of free food @ our disposal.  Out of the many meals we consumed @ Harrah’s, there were two buffets.  My justification for eating so much and so much bad stuff, was that it was my birthday week, my vacation, and it was free. On top of that, we had NO exercise.  I wanted sloth for the week and that’s what I got.  And that ridiculous # is my payoff.

Well, this wild and wacky # today, paired up w/ some other recent thinking, my new headshots, as well as some motivation from friends (Jeff Brown, I’m looking @ you—you’re amazing!) have led me to a decision.  I truly hope I can do this.  I want to do this.  I NEED to do this.

I’m embarking on a new fitness and nutritional plan.  I’m afraid.  Of failure.  Of my age.  Of my overall health.  Of…who the hell knows what else I’m afraid of.  Everything, and it’s all bullshit.

I’m a couch potato.  I eat from boredom, or while watching the tube.  It’s a necessity (even though I know it’s not).  I sleep too much.  I don’t exercise enough.  My only form of exercise is walking, the VERY occasional hike and my 8 hours of work—5 days a week.  But it’s not enough.  God knows I could probably drop some pounds and help myself by simply eating better.  But that’s not enough.

Soooo...I’ve had such thoughts before, but since my new headshots have found the light of day, these long dormant (and frankly embarrassing) thoughts have resurfaced.

I first want to say that my self-esteem levels have always been (and currently are) @ ridiculous lows.  I wouldn’t be surprised if I were diagnosed as having depression.  I just haven’t taken it upon myself to go out and learn that thrilling (debilitating) news.  Eventually.  Perhaps my new exercise program and the endorphins that will no doubt be released, will help in that regard.  Anyway,  I don’t find myself physically attractive.  While I’m not putting this out there to garner compliments, I will accept them (begrudgingly and conditionally).  I have moments where I believe I look handsome in person.  But it’s my photographs which I tend to favor.  I photograph quite well.  Generally I would say I look best when “in character” for publicity or archives shots from past shows.  If it’s not me, then I look fabulous.

But these new headshots got me to thinking (again) that I would like to try modeling.  Now, before the obligatory and uncontrollable bursts of laughter and guffaws commence, let me explain my position here.

I constantly think about Adrien Brody (not in that way).  He’s got a face only a mother could love (I don’t mean that so harshly, but he’s not classically handsome), but have you seen the man’s body?  He’s fat-free, ripped and let’s face it, kinda hot.  On top of that, he’s a great actor (it only adds to his appeal).

Also, since about 2004, when the other half and I contemplated joining a gym in Chicago (a couple of years later would see our fattest/laziest/unhealthiest nastiness), I have had this modeling idea floating around in the back of my head.  Of course, to pursue something like this, would require some serious changes to my fitness regiment (or lack thereof) and my sad, sad diet. 

Fast forward to last year and my diagnosis of “uncontrolled diabetes”…and then several months ago saw my college chum Jeff, embarking on an amazing weight loss/healthy update to his life, even running marathons and the like.  Jesus.  It was inspirational, and it wasn’t until recently I realized how much I appreciate his efforts.  Very proud of him.

So, the new headshots and the fact that I look fantastic (and all of the nice compliments were handy too!).  There, that’s the moment I’ll allow myself to enjoy and compliment my own person.  Ick.

So.  I’m going to continue to post blogs here on this “Great Sweet Cutout of 2011” (well, now 2012) and see what happens.

Today (I started writing this one yesterday), I’ve already worked out w/ the 90 day Beach Body DVD which the other half and I saw success with many years ago.  I also had only ONE bowl of cereal for breakfast (rather than the usual two).  Now we’re off for a walk to meet a friend for lunch.  I’m even ready to change up my usual fare @ Denny’s.  Small steps, folks.

I feel like I’m serious about this thing.  Since I can never stick to ANYTHING, that feels kind of good.

More to come as the Great Sweet Cut-out of 2011 continues…into 2012 and beyond.